Finally, a new year!

This is it! This is the year I get to hold my son! Can you believe how fast time goes? 2010 flew by and I feel as if I need something to hold on to. In less than 13 weeks I will be a mom. I will get to sit in his room and stare at him while he sleeps, I will get to complain that he doesn’t sleep and bitch about being tired. I long to sit in his room with the lights dimmed low and just rock with him. I say with my heart filled with excitement Welcome 2011, I have waited my whole life for you.

I am not sure what my new years resolution should be. For the first time I have successfully quit smoking and that has always been my “go to” resolution. I can’t go on a crash diet right now so that’s out for now…what does that leave? I could try to say fuck the “f” word less but that is just setting myself up for failure.

Maybe I should try being a more positive person at work but see, people annoy me. I’m not a person that knows how to  “go with the flow” of things so supervisors and management types never really like me. I guess that’s out for a resolution too.

Mchubby thinks I should give up reality television but I think Mchubby may just be a little crazy. Give up the housewives of Beverly hills, NY, OC and NJ? Give up snooki and the situation? Not watch the apprentice, survivor, biggest loser and Hells Kitchen? What’s the point of living? Maybe HE should give up the discovery channel! No one likes a nerd 😉

So, I am not sure whats left…..If you guys can think of anything you let me know…What are your new years resolutions?


Christmas past, Christmas future

This time of the year I always get nostalgic. I look back and think about how great it was to be a kid in my family during the holidays. It would start Thanksgiving morning when Dad would take us into the city for the parade. Toni was on his shoulders and I would make my way through the crowd in an attempt to grab a piece of the curb. I would watch the parade every year as if it was the first time I was seeing it. Snoopy and Garfield would dance by and we would clap and cheer! But nothing prepares a kid for Santa. Once santa cruises by on his float filled with reindeer the start of the Christmas season is upon us. There was no containing the excitement because there was no better time of the year.

We would get home to Christmas carols playing on the stereo. Grandpa was usually at the dining room table cutting into a prickly pear and Grandma was there telling him how to do it! Since this was just about the only day of the year mom actually cooked, she would be in the  kitchen warming up the escarole soup she had prepared the night before-the house smelled of turkey and sweet potato pie!

In the next few weeks there was much to be done. With Alvin and the chipmunks Christmas album playing in the background we would decorate the house with garland and lights. The front door got wrapped in tinfoil with a big red bow, and the mistletoe was hung from the doorway. We would all go together and pick out the perfect christmas tree. Mom wouldn’t let us decorate it for a few days because she said it had to “open”. Waiting for the tree to open felt like forever but soon enough we would get to rip open the boxes of decorations from previous years and adorn our tree with homemade ornaments made of macaroni and pipe cleaners!

Finally, Christmas eve. It was off to Howard beach to visit my dad’s side of the family. Santa would come each year around midnight and pass out gifts to all the kids. My cousins would open all of their present’s on Christmas Eve but santa never came to our house until Christmas morning! Dad would stir us up by saying “Lets go guys we have to beat santa home” and it was a race to the car. Out the windows we would look searching for his sled, anxiously we would listen to hear his sleigh bells. We would tear up the stairs and jump into bed as fast as we could. Lying there with my eyes squeezed shut I would think “please oh please let me fall asleep fast”!

We would awake to a tree filled with presents. Everything we asked Santa for was colorfully wrapped and placed under the tree. We had to wait for Mom to fix her tea before we could rip open our presents and that felt like hours. She would come back with a big black garbage bag and say “one at a time”; that lasted about 2 minutes. Frantically we would tear through present after present, christmas paper and bows flew through the room-screams of excitement filled the apartment. And then it was over.

It is always around this time of year when it all comes back and I feel incredibly lucky to have had the childhood that I did. There were no worries about bills or work. There were never conversations of war or politics. It was childhood innocence in its purest form. I can’t wait to pass these traditions down to my own family and experience Christmas through the eyes of my children.

Where’s the pregnancy glow?

My pregnancy thus far hasn’t been that bad. It is a lot different then what I thought it would be like though, that’s for sure. I thought the second trimester I would feel completely normal, vibrant and glowing. But, that is not the case. I have had horrible carpal tunnel. So bad that if something grazes my wrist I cry in pain. I have loss of sensation in my left knee and a burning sensation in my right foot. I have developed the worst nerve damage! I have never heard of this happening to women during pregnancy but the doc says it’s just because people talk about the more common symptoms like nausea and vomitting-which I never had a minute of.

As far as glowing? I am getting tiny skin tags on my neck that are grossing me out. I know I know, nothing a dermatologist can’t cure. I did however develop that pregnancy line down my belly and I absolutely love looking at it! It constantly reminds me that he’s in there even when he is not moving around and McHubby thinks its sexy!

I thought I would have more energy for things but I really don’t. As far as work, I have cut down my schedule and am averaging 3-4 shifts a week-which has really made a difference in the amount of swelling in my legs. It is getting harder for me to bend over and do things like tie my shoes. Shaving my legs is getting more difficult and tomorrow when I shave my chuckolina I am hoping not to cut off the important parts.

I refuse to have things sit under my belly,  I hate the way it feels. To remedy that I have been buying bigger panties to fit over my belly. This is becoming a problem. My latest pair of bloomers are so big they could shelter a small family. I wasn’t anticipating how large the belly actually can get-first time being this pregnant, what can I say?

At my last doctors appointment I found out that I have gained 19 15lbs. I am so disappointed in myself, especially because I struggle with my weight normally this is just going to be more work for me to do after the delivery. I would like to stay below 25lbs but I don’t know if that is going to be possible. I really need to get my ass on a better eating schedule and stop using the baby as an excuse to stuff my face. The holidays don’t make this any easier but I have the glucose tolerance test coming up the end of December and I really don’t want to be diagnosed with gestational diabetes.

All in all I am definitely one of those women that annoys other pregnant women by declaring “I love being pregnant”!!!! (so far)!!!!

The other day I experienced something I have only heard my pregnant friends talk about but never went through it myself. As I was reaching over my patients bed he (yes HE) reached up and grabbed my belly with both hands! He said “I just love pregnant bellies”. I was not only mortified by his behavior but completely offended and territorial. He almost got a karate chop to his throat but I really can’t afford to lose my job right now. What is it with people and over stepping their boundaries? What makes them think that its appropriate to grope a pregnant woman just because she’s “pregnant”. I don’t mind when my friends and family touch my belly, I actually welcome it, I feel like its their way of bonding with the baby too. But strangers? Gross and so so so weird!

Our first trim-a-tree

We have finally gotten the house into the Christmas spirit.  Ken hung the  icicle lights outside to frame the house, large blinking blue snowflake lights are hung in all of the windows and a mechanical angel in the picture window can be seen from the road. It’s perfect! I decorated the inside with garland and lights and against my better judgement we bought our tree from a side street vendor instead of cutting it down-it is a beauty though! However I do have one question…When did the price of christmas trees reach $65.00? Holy shmozes…

Sunday we had our first holiday party in the new house. All of our besties came to help us decorate our tree (some couldn’t make it, we forgive you and still love you)! They brought presents for baby s. and decorations for the tree! There is nothing I love more than getting together with our loved ones for a party! We had dinner and the boys watched the game. The kids played in the basement with the dogs while the girls gossiped in the kitchen!

Before our guests arrived I was organizing the decorations and getting them ready to be hung. As I was going through the boxes I found her. At Christmas time 2 years ago I took one of her 5 month ultrasound pictures and put it in a wreath ornament that says “2008”, I hung it on our tree that year and then packed her away after we lost her. With the move and not having our own place last year the decorations never came out of storage and I guess it just slipped my mind that I had done that because when I saw it, and when Ken saw it…everything came back. The pain we felt 2 Christmas’s ago, the heaviness in our hearts as we mourned our baby girl came rushing back and suddenly it was real again. Those feelings never go away and they are never buried deep. Its like she resides right under the surface and all it takes is a memory, or a mention of her and I am right back there. I thought once I was pregnant with a healthy baby and things were different that it wouldn’t hurt so much, but it does….maybe it always will. But, great things are happening and I can’t let myself go back to that time, it was too dark and there is so much light where I am standing now.

After dinner I decorated the tree with the kids. It was funny to watch them put 4 decorations on one branch! My favorite part is all the home-made decorations that Ken and I made when we were kids, and the personalized ones we have collected together over the years. After the star topped the tree we played Wii dance game with the kids! I must say. my body moved in positions it hasn’t seen in 6 months, it was not pretty! Wanted to share some photos of the night!

Second letter to him…

6 months and counting

My son,

I never realized how fast a month goes by until I became pregnant. It feels like I just found out about you yesterday and already I am 6 months pregnant. I had the 3 hour ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and we watched you move around in my belly. I was able to watch you kick me and feel you all at the same time. You are measuring perfectly and are 14oz big! You are like the size of a large slurpee! After we were done with the important parts of the test the ultrasound technician was going to take pictures of you for the baby book. But, you were not in the mood. You turned over on your belly and went to sleep. We tried and tried to wake you up poking at you and moving you around-even tried stimulating you with sugar but you were out like a light! What we did get was a picture of your peashie, which by the way looks to be pretty big if you ask me….but I am biased!  I took the picture and put it in your baby book…you know, In case you want to show it off when you get older! 

I wish I could promise you now that I wasn’t going to be one of those Mom’s that embarrasses her kids at soccer games or the mom with the camera that is constantly taking pictures of ALL your firsts, but I can’t.  I waited so long for you, I am oozing love for you already.

The holidays are here already my sweet child and you have me in the christmas spirit. We started cleaning out your room the other day and moving things into place. Next month we will start to paint your nursery!

In other news, I am down to listening to your heartbeat to once a day, that is a huge step for me! Now that I am feeling you more I need less reassurance that you are real. This is still all so surreal.

I love you,


A Turkey day feast!

This was the first Thanksgiving in our new house so needless to say I was overly excited to play hostess and cook a traditional Turkey day feast! My sister and brother-in-law came down Wednesday night and hung out with us while my in laws drove down on thursday morning.

This year we chose to order our turkey from a farm instead of buy the frozen butterball like we normally do:

Dear Tom,

I am sorry you were the unlucky turkey that was picked for our table but I do want you to know we honored you all day! You were delicious and your life was not in vain.

Moving on.

 Since we ordered our farm fresh turkey-I love saying “farm fresh turkey”- I decided I needed a new recipe. I scoured the internet for anything matching “most succulent turkey ever” and found a fantastic cranberry brining recipe. I don’t know how to describe the amount of juice that poured from the turkey when we carved into his breast for the first time. The meat fell from the bone and the taste was incredible. Everyone raved about the delicious taste of this farm fresh bird which makes me incredibly comfortable saying:

I am amazing-and maybe the best turkey brining stuffer in the world! Not to mention the delish-E-O-soooo  sides  and escarole soup!! This Thanksgiving was a hit (the only thing missing really was my parents, next year)!

This morning I thought I would get up and brave the crowds of black friday. I don’t really need anything it was more out of curiosity. I started at Kohl’s at 4am and have to be honest, they were giving nothing away. Everything was the same price as it was last week only with signs on the items that said “newly REDUCED”…LIES I tell you, LIES! So, I bought a $21.00 meat scissor-that I could have gotten Tuesday for the same price and with no lines, and was out the door to best buy.

I don’t know how to describe the pandemonium that was best buy. I parked about a half mile from the store and people were literally running from their cars into the store. People were walking out carrying 46” TV’s and I started to think they were giving them away, so I started to walk faster. This man pulling out of a spot didn’t see me and came about 2 inches from my shoulder. I took my entire arm and slammed it on his back window over and over screaming “OPEN YOUR EYES YOU FUCKING IDIOT”. He had a look of sheer terror on his face. Not sure if he was scared because he almost ran me over or because he thought I was going to kill him! Either way, he got the point.

After my near death experience I lasted about 3 minutes inside the store. The lines were long and I felt like I was on the floor of the NY stock exchange. Enough. I went home and put my jammies back on, my first and last outing on black friday!

It blows my mind to think that in a few short weeks Christmas will be here and we will be that much  closer to bringing home our son. People keep asking Ken and I what we want for Christmas and we are finding it very hard to come up with ideas. After waiting so long to have a healthy baby material items are seeming less and less important. Everything I ever wanted is moving around inside me reminding me that he is there just waiting to meet us!

I love the holidays!

My first letter to him….

To my son,

This has by far been the most exciting week of my pregnancy with you. Today I am exactly 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant! That means in less than 20 weeks I will be holding you in my arms and kissing your warm sweet forehead. It still doesn’t seem possible sometimes that this is happening to your father and I, we have waited so long for you.

I listen to your heartbeat with the doppler every day-ok, ok, Yes,  sometimes twice a day but I honestly can’t help myself. Listening to your heartbeat melts my heart-I have never experienced anything so pure before.

We have the big “20 week ultrasound” on monday (for us it will be the big 21 week ultrasound). I have been patiently awaiting this day since the last time I saw you moving around in my belly and that was weeks ago! It has been hard not feeling you move or being able to see you, I am so happy you’re getting bigger now!

This morning I got up and made a cup of tea, I sat on the couch to watch animal planet and wait for your dad to get home from work. As I was putting the cup to my lips I felt it-2 thumps and a flutter! I froze! I wasn’t sure if I felt it or if I just had gas! But you did it again, and then again. You have been moving on and off all day long-PLEASE don’t stop 🙂

A woman who I work with bought me the most beautiful baby book. I plan to fill it with all of your ultrasound pictures and letters that I write to you. You have so many people waiting for you to get here and we are so in love with you already!

Keep growing little one,