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Fifth letter to him….

To my son,

This is it kid! Less than 7 days to go until you are officially due. I am starting to realize that although you are due in 7 days, it doesn’t mean that you are going to be here in 7 days! You really are the boss. We are but mere pawns hanging on your every movement. At the last ultrasound 2 weeks ago you were weighing in at 7lbs 10 oz- the sonographer said she couldn’t get a
“real good measurement” because your head was low and sitting in the perfect position. When I went to the doctor last thursday I thought for sure I would be dilated a little but no such luck. We are only 20% effaced and at a -2 station. I guess you are real comfy and cozy in there because you are making no attempt to get this ball rolling!

I made it through almost 10 months with you without any new stretch marks! But then the other day I noticed my belly was itchy and when I looked in the mirror there were little purple squiggles all around my belly button. Super! Definitely not milfy at all! I do feel as if I am slowly being initiated into the “mom” club though!

My bag for the hospital is almost packed and you officially have health insurance! I registered you for Viacord and will be banking your cord blood. Hopefully we will never have a need for it and it can just be there in case. But I sleep better knowing that we have that waiting for you if a reason ever arises.

I am officially on maternity leave. I have to admit to you, for all the complaining I do about working so much, I have only been off 5 days and I am already going stir crazy. I have ripped the fridge apart and washed the floors twice already. I urge you to hurry up and come soon before I start repainting the bedroom. If only I knew how to sheet rock!

Well I think thats about it for now. This will be the last letter I write to you while you are still inside of me. I have enjoyed carrying you every minute of every day. I have welcomed the kicks and the tumbles, the hiccups and the heartburn, the frequent peeing and the lack of sleep, the deafening snoring and even the tree trunk legs and the low back pain.

I promise to love you every day of my life…I can’t wait to hold you!


Happy Anniversary

2 years ago at this time we were sitting on the beach listening to the ocean and enjoying a daiquiri and I was getting ready to marry my best friend.

I remember meeting you for the first time. I had spit up on my left shoulder and my clothes smelled of formula from watching the little man all night. But, you insisted on meeting for a quick bite. I did my makeup in the car as I drove to your place anxiously with butterflies in my tummy. As I sat across from you I listened to you drone on and on about yourself, God you were arrogant. But, I did find your confidence incredibly charming and I was drawn to your personality. You told me matter of factly that you were not looking for a relationship and had no interest in anything serious, instead of listening to you I fell in love with you! We became best friends and spent most of our free time together. You made me laugh like no one else and while other people didn’t get your personality I always understood you. Our friendship quickly turned into an incredible love for one another and we haven’t looked back since.

 I am such a better person with you in my life. Instead of defining who I am you compliment me. You support everything I do but ground me when I want to do things that are far-fetched (like throwing my nursing career away to become a tug boat captain)!  You love me unconditionally even when I drive you crazy. You have taught me patience and responsiblity and I am such a better person because of you.

We have experienced so much in such a short time together.  You took me to Europe and we discovered and explored a brand new place. We rode in a gondola and we danced to the violins in the middle of St. Marks square, sometimes our love feels surreal. It hasn’t always been sunshine and roses though has it? We have gone through our fair share of ups and downs, and we experienced loss and heartache that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But we got through it, and now we are a month from becoming a family and I love you more now then I ever thought was possible. 

 Happy anniversary love, only 58 more years left…lets make them count!

Somebody turn the lights on!

The other day I took a trip to  Macy’s  to see what they had in the way of baby furniture. No sooner did I park the car I had to run to the bathroom. Recently, the urge to tinkle  comes about every 25-30 minutes. The frustrating part isn’t how many times a day that I am in the bathroom, it’s the quantity of the pee that comes out! Barely enough to even call it a tinkle! The long drawn out, sometimes painful production that I have to go through for 2 teaspoons of urine is just not right. The days of hovering over the toilet are gone. I am so unbalanced that I would fall forward and knock myself unconscious.  Instead I have to first “build a nest” around the toilet seat in order to sit comfortably. Once sitting I have to bend over the belly to get to the toilet paper (you would think I would remember to grab some TP before I was sitting but nope, never remember). This can take a couple of try’s because if I am not fast enough I will lose my breath and have to start over-the amount of reflux that ensues is horrible and lasts ALL. DAY. LONG.

So, I am sitting there on the bowl getting ready to wipe my chuckolina when all of a sudden the lights go off in the bathroom. It’s pitch black in a strange bathroom and I have my pants off over a body of water…I don’t know why but the story of the  snake that crawled out of some ladies toilet in florida popped in my mind and I FREAKED OUT! I start waving my hands and flailing my arms about to make the lights go on but, nothing! And now I have dropped the wad of TP I was going to use to wipe myself with, sonofabitchhhh!!!

I  stand up and search around for the  door latch when a woman walked into the bathroom.  I’m sure she  assumed she was alone because as she walked in the lights went on, and when she saw me swing open the door she screamed. Then I screamed! And then I peed down my leg.  Shhhiiiitttttttt.

Needless to say I didn’t find any baby furniture. When will I learn to just shop online?

Third letter to him..

Month 7 (28 weeks)

To my son,

This has been a month of milestones my love. First and foremost we are officially in our last trimester! We have made it to a place I thought I would never see and I am beyond ecstatic! You are just about 2 1/2 pounds now. You are opening your eyes and sticking out your tongue all inside my belly! You are becoming more and more active and really get going around 6am. The other day when daddy was leaning on my belly you gave him a swift kick in his back! You do not like anything crushing your space. I can no longer sleep on my belly and bending over is becoming more and more difficult! The heartburn is out of control these days, nothing makes it better. My feet are constantly swollen and my hands and face are getting plump! I made an appointment for the 4D ultrasound and have to ask you a favor. Since this will probably be one of the last times to capture you on film while you are still inside me can you please cooperate? No turning over and mooning us like last time, I would really like some pics for your baby book!

Second milestone of the month was surviving the holidays. I was almost run down by an SUV at best buy on black friday trying to get your father a PS3! Never again! I worked most of the holidays this year so I would have them off for all your “firsts”!!  Santa was good to mommy this year! He brought me all things to pamper myself with like a spa for my swollen feet and a towel warmer for the shower. Your uncle got you a tiny little Mets outfit that your pop did NOT love-this will be an ongoing battle, get used to it…I can’t wait to see which team you actually wind up following: the mets or the skankees yankees! Before you make your final decision just remember who carried you for 10 months! (I can’t wait to guilt you with that for the rest of your life)!

We are officially down to 2 week visits at the OB’s office! Holy shmozes we are really getting down to the wire! I took my glucose tolerance test last week and you loved the sugary goodness of that drink and were kicking before i even had it all down! The results came back fine and we do not have gestational diabetes…not for a lack of trying might I add, we really need to start eating some salad :/

Grandma came over yesterday and we started to clean out your room. We picked out the colors and purchased the paint, all that’s left to do is decide on which chair rail I will use! I am thinking of ordering your furniture the end of the month and by the time it arrives there will only be a month left. Yowza.

Well kiddo I think that’s it for now, keep on kicking 🙂


Christmas past, Christmas future

This time of the year I always get nostalgic. I look back and think about how great it was to be a kid in my family during the holidays. It would start Thanksgiving morning when Dad would take us into the city for the parade. Toni was on his shoulders and I would make my way through the crowd in an attempt to grab a piece of the curb. I would watch the parade every year as if it was the first time I was seeing it. Snoopy and Garfield would dance by and we would clap and cheer! But nothing prepares a kid for Santa. Once santa cruises by on his float filled with reindeer the start of the Christmas season is upon us. There was no containing the excitement because there was no better time of the year.

We would get home to Christmas carols playing on the stereo. Grandpa was usually at the dining room table cutting into a prickly pear and Grandma was there telling him how to do it! Since this was just about the only day of the year mom actually cooked, she would be in the  kitchen warming up the escarole soup she had prepared the night before-the house smelled of turkey and sweet potato pie!

In the next few weeks there was much to be done. With Alvin and the chipmunks Christmas album playing in the background we would decorate the house with garland and lights. The front door got wrapped in tinfoil with a big red bow, and the mistletoe was hung from the doorway. We would all go together and pick out the perfect christmas tree. Mom wouldn’t let us decorate it for a few days because she said it had to “open”. Waiting for the tree to open felt like forever but soon enough we would get to rip open the boxes of decorations from previous years and adorn our tree with homemade ornaments made of macaroni and pipe cleaners!

Finally, Christmas eve. It was off to Howard beach to visit my dad’s side of the family. Santa would come each year around midnight and pass out gifts to all the kids. My cousins would open all of their present’s on Christmas Eve but santa never came to our house until Christmas morning! Dad would stir us up by saying “Lets go guys we have to beat santa home” and it was a race to the car. Out the windows we would look searching for his sled, anxiously we would listen to hear his sleigh bells. We would tear up the stairs and jump into bed as fast as we could. Lying there with my eyes squeezed shut I would think “please oh please let me fall asleep fast”!

We would awake to a tree filled with presents. Everything we asked Santa for was colorfully wrapped and placed under the tree. We had to wait for Mom to fix her tea before we could rip open our presents and that felt like hours. She would come back with a big black garbage bag and say “one at a time”; that lasted about 2 minutes. Frantically we would tear through present after present, christmas paper and bows flew through the room-screams of excitement filled the apartment. And then it was over.

It is always around this time of year when it all comes back and I feel incredibly lucky to have had the childhood that I did. There were no worries about bills or work. There were never conversations of war or politics. It was childhood innocence in its purest form. I can’t wait to pass these traditions down to my own family and experience Christmas through the eyes of my children.

Our first trim-a-tree

We have finally gotten the house into the Christmas spirit.  Ken hung the  icicle lights outside to frame the house, large blinking blue snowflake lights are hung in all of the windows and a mechanical angel in the picture window can be seen from the road. It’s perfect! I decorated the inside with garland and lights and against my better judgement we bought our tree from a side street vendor instead of cutting it down-it is a beauty though! However I do have one question…When did the price of christmas trees reach $65.00? Holy shmozes…

Sunday we had our first holiday party in the new house. All of our besties came to help us decorate our tree (some couldn’t make it, we forgive you and still love you)! They brought presents for baby s. and decorations for the tree! There is nothing I love more than getting together with our loved ones for a party! We had dinner and the boys watched the game. The kids played in the basement with the dogs while the girls gossiped in the kitchen!

Before our guests arrived I was organizing the decorations and getting them ready to be hung. As I was going through the boxes I found her. At Christmas time 2 years ago I took one of her 5 month ultrasound pictures and put it in a wreath ornament that says “2008”, I hung it on our tree that year and then packed her away after we lost her. With the move and not having our own place last year the decorations never came out of storage and I guess it just slipped my mind that I had done that because when I saw it, and when Ken saw it…everything came back. The pain we felt 2 Christmas’s ago, the heaviness in our hearts as we mourned our baby girl came rushing back and suddenly it was real again. Those feelings never go away and they are never buried deep. Its like she resides right under the surface and all it takes is a memory, or a mention of her and I am right back there. I thought once I was pregnant with a healthy baby and things were different that it wouldn’t hurt so much, but it does….maybe it always will. But, great things are happening and I can’t let myself go back to that time, it was too dark and there is so much light where I am standing now.

After dinner I decorated the tree with the kids. It was funny to watch them put 4 decorations on one branch! My favorite part is all the home-made decorations that Ken and I made when we were kids, and the personalized ones we have collected together over the years. After the star topped the tree we played Wii dance game with the kids! I must say. my body moved in positions it hasn’t seen in 6 months, it was not pretty! Wanted to share some photos of the night!

Second letter to him…

6 months and counting

My son,

I never realized how fast a month goes by until I became pregnant. It feels like I just found out about you yesterday and already I am 6 months pregnant. I had the 3 hour ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and we watched you move around in my belly. I was able to watch you kick me and feel you all at the same time. You are measuring perfectly and are 14oz big! You are like the size of a large slurpee! After we were done with the important parts of the test the ultrasound technician was going to take pictures of you for the baby book. But, you were not in the mood. You turned over on your belly and went to sleep. We tried and tried to wake you up poking at you and moving you around-even tried stimulating you with sugar but you were out like a light! What we did get was a picture of your peashie, which by the way looks to be pretty big if you ask me….but I am biased!  I took the picture and put it in your baby book…you know, In case you want to show it off when you get older! 

I wish I could promise you now that I wasn’t going to be one of those Mom’s that embarrasses her kids at soccer games or the mom with the camera that is constantly taking pictures of ALL your firsts, but I can’t.  I waited so long for you, I am oozing love for you already.

The holidays are here already my sweet child and you have me in the christmas spirit. We started cleaning out your room the other day and moving things into place. Next month we will start to paint your nursery!

In other news, I am down to listening to your heartbeat to once a day, that is a huge step for me! Now that I am feeling you more I need less reassurance that you are real. This is still all so surreal.

I love you,