Category Archives: The baby journey

Top 10 things that terrify me about labor & delivery

1. I don’t want my water to break in public. Mainly because I don’t want people thinking I just peed myself or even worse, thinking my water actually did break. I find this event causes people to panic and since panic is contagious I think I will panic too.

2. I don’t want an IV started in my hand. I have always been bad with needles-especially large-bore catheters placed permanently in the body. I understand it’s necessary, I just don’t like it.

3. I don’t want cheerleaders at my bedside. I do want support from Mchubby and whoever else I invite to come watch me birth this football but I don’t want any of this “YOU CAN DO IT, PUSH, YOU’RE DONG GREAT HANG IN THERE”. I really think that will get on my nerves.

4. I don’t want to labor for 43 hours only to wind up having a C-section.

5. I don’t want a C-Section

6. Although the thought of McHubby down there watching his son being born warms my heart,  I fear if he sees what it looks like 10cm dilated and in that state that he may never travel there again

7. The dreaded episiotomy. This may be one of my biggest fears. I get that I will be in so much pain that I will be begging for him to come out. BUT, I do not want anyone cutting my chuckolina open. I thought they cut you with a scalpel then saw a video of them using a scissor, like you’re a fucking arts and crafts project. No. THANKS.

8. Poopin and a pushin. I really don’t want to poop myself during this ordeal. I mean, is it necessary? How do I avoid this? Someone told me to push like I was going pee instead of  going poop. HUH? Is this whole process not humiliating enough that I may have to shit myself in a room full of people?? AGAIN?

9. Delivering the baby in the car. I know, I watch too many “I didn’t know I was pregnant” episodes. So many that I made McHubby bring an obstetrics kit home from work in case we go into labor in the car on the way to the hospital. What if there’s traffic? What  if the car breaks down? You can not be too prepared if you ask me!

10. Having a piece of placenta left in me after delivery, my pressure bottoming out and me dieing before I ever hold my son. I know. Stop. I can’t help it, knowing too much is a dangerous thing sometimes.


Finally, a new year!

This is it! This is the year I get to hold my son! Can you believe how fast time goes? 2010 flew by and I feel as if I need something to hold on to. In less than 13 weeks I will be a mom. I will get to sit in his room and stare at him while he sleeps, I will get to complain that he doesn’t sleep and bitch about being tired. I long to sit in his room with the lights dimmed low and just rock with him. I say with my heart filled with excitement Welcome 2011, I have waited my whole life for you.

I am not sure what my new years resolution should be. For the first time I have successfully quit smoking and that has always been my “go to” resolution. I can’t go on a crash diet right now so that’s out for now…what does that leave? I could try to say fuck the “f” word less but that is just setting myself up for failure.

Maybe I should try being a more positive person at work but see, people annoy me. I’m not a person that knows how to  “go with the flow” of things so supervisors and management types never really like me. I guess that’s out for a resolution too.

Mchubby thinks I should give up reality television but I think Mchubby may just be a little crazy. Give up the housewives of Beverly hills, NY, OC and NJ? Give up snooki and the situation? Not watch the apprentice, survivor, biggest loser and Hells Kitchen? What’s the point of living? Maybe HE should give up the discovery channel! No one likes a nerd 😉

So, I am not sure whats left…..If you guys can think of anything you let me know…What are your new years resolutions?

Where’s the pregnancy glow?

My pregnancy thus far hasn’t been that bad. It is a lot different then what I thought it would be like though, that’s for sure. I thought the second trimester I would feel completely normal, vibrant and glowing. But, that is not the case. I have had horrible carpal tunnel. So bad that if something grazes my wrist I cry in pain. I have loss of sensation in my left knee and a burning sensation in my right foot. I have developed the worst nerve damage! I have never heard of this happening to women during pregnancy but the doc says it’s just because people talk about the more common symptoms like nausea and vomitting-which I never had a minute of.

As far as glowing? I am getting tiny skin tags on my neck that are grossing me out. I know I know, nothing a dermatologist can’t cure. I did however develop that pregnancy line down my belly and I absolutely love looking at it! It constantly reminds me that he’s in there even when he is not moving around and McHubby thinks its sexy!

I thought I would have more energy for things but I really don’t. As far as work, I have cut down my schedule and am averaging 3-4 shifts a week-which has really made a difference in the amount of swelling in my legs. It is getting harder for me to bend over and do things like tie my shoes. Shaving my legs is getting more difficult and tomorrow when I shave my chuckolina I am hoping not to cut off the important parts.

I refuse to have things sit under my belly,  I hate the way it feels. To remedy that I have been buying bigger panties to fit over my belly. This is becoming a problem. My latest pair of bloomers are so big they could shelter a small family. I wasn’t anticipating how large the belly actually can get-first time being this pregnant, what can I say?

At my last doctors appointment I found out that I have gained 19 15lbs. I am so disappointed in myself, especially because I struggle with my weight normally this is just going to be more work for me to do after the delivery. I would like to stay below 25lbs but I don’t know if that is going to be possible. I really need to get my ass on a better eating schedule and stop using the baby as an excuse to stuff my face. The holidays don’t make this any easier but I have the glucose tolerance test coming up the end of December and I really don’t want to be diagnosed with gestational diabetes.

All in all I am definitely one of those women that annoys other pregnant women by declaring “I love being pregnant”!!!! (so far)!!!!

The other day I experienced something I have only heard my pregnant friends talk about but never went through it myself. As I was reaching over my patients bed he (yes HE) reached up and grabbed my belly with both hands! He said “I just love pregnant bellies”. I was not only mortified by his behavior but completely offended and territorial. He almost got a karate chop to his throat but I really can’t afford to lose my job right now. What is it with people and over stepping their boundaries? What makes them think that its appropriate to grope a pregnant woman just because she’s “pregnant”. I don’t mind when my friends and family touch my belly, I actually welcome it, I feel like its their way of bonding with the baby too. But strangers? Gross and so so so weird!

A second chance at a second trimester

Last Sunday was a big day for us. We said goodbye to our first trimester and welcomed our second with open arms! I have to say, the first trimester wasn’t that bad. I have heard horror stories about women that couldn’t stop throwing up for the first 3 months and couldn’t even smell food. The exact opposite was true for me. I had no nausea at all and I was h-u-n-g-r-y! I was tired ALL the time. There was no amount of sleep that was ever “enough”. I fell asleep at work one night and one of the male nurses that I work with covered me up and let me sleep. He said “I remember what my wife was like in the first trimester”!! That was so nice! My bubbies have grown an entire size and I am actually thinking about feeding the entire country of Ethiopia when my milk comes in. My boobs are ginormous. And not super model big, porno film big!
So far  the second trimester  brings a more rounded belly and the most horrible constipation ever! Now, I’m not sure if the constipation is the cause of the belly or if it’s the baby. Either way somethings going on down there and I couldn’t be happier about it 🙂 I have gone out and bought the biggest bag of prunes I could find…yikes!
My emotions are all over the place. I can’t watch anything on TV without crying. It doesn’t have to be a sad show, my tears don’t discriminate. The once independent person I was is gone, if I don’t see Mchubby often enough the waterworks start. It’s a very unsettling feeling crying and not understanding whats wrong. My patient asked me for cranberry juice the other day and when I found out there was only apple I cried in the back room. This has to stop! 
I have put on 6 lbs so far. I don’t think that’s too bad, but my pants are definitely getting snug. Last week McHubby and I set off on a trip to destination maternity to try on some comfy clothes. I have to say, maternity clothes have come a long way. They are no longer moomoo’s! There are very stylish clothes to be had-at a steep price. In the dressing room they had this 7 month pregnant belly that you strap on to see how the clothes will fit in time.  When I put the belly on the smile that came across my face was the biggest shit eating grin I think I have ever had. I was so giddy! I made McHubby come in and see and he teared up…every day that passes becomes more real for the both of us, we are really having a baby!
After meeting with my doctor last week and asking him about purchasing a doppler he quickly shot down the idea. His thinking was this: if you buy the doppler and the baby is in the wrong position or there is just poor quality, panick and terror will ensue. I have to admit he has a valid point, I do have a flair for the dramatics and we would wind up in the ER immediately if I didn’t hear the heartbeat. So, what do I do? I don’t BUY the doppler..instead I go to work and use the one we have there. Guess what happened!?!? Couldn’t find the heartbeat 😦   So what did I do? I went home and took a pregnancy test-I instantly felt better! Makes NO sense, I know…
I have noticed how opinionated some people can be when they find out you are expecting! I made the mistake of telling a couple of people a few names we were thinking about for the baby and the face making and  judgement began! So, from now on when people ask what his name will be I just say “Wilbur”. That ends the conversation pretty quickly!

A right to grieve, a right to believe.

When I first started this journey of trying to conceive through IVF it was my intention to go out in search of a support network. I had no idea what I would find. Blogging combined with twitter has opened so many doors for me. It has connected me with women that have similar stories, share similar pain, and have the same hopes and dreams as my husband and I do. I have to admit I was naive, believing that infertility (IF) was only “my” problem. I had no idea how many women are affected by IF or how wide-spread of a problem it really is.

I spent a majority of my night reading stories by various women on faces of loss.  After reading their stories and being given the opportunity to walk in their shoes for a brief moment, my own personal experience with loss seems more manageable, I feel empowered and more importantly I feel allowed to grieve my unborn children. Sometimes I suffer silently because I don’t feel I have the right to come out right and say “Yes, if only for a moment I was a Mom, I am a Mom”.

Being a mother of miscarriage, late-term neonatal loss or stillbirth affects every aspect of your life. There are no words to describe how terrifying it was being pregnant again after my first loss. When I found out I was pregnant with my second child  there was initial excitement. But that excitement quickly gets over shadowed by your bodies own  defense mechanisms. Every cramp, every twinge, every ping in your belly brings fear. Every time I went to the bathroom I thought for sure I would find blood. I was so scared to lose that pregnancy that when I did, it was almost expected. Saying that my heart wasn’t broken would be a lie. Because it was shattered. But it was different for me.

I have found that such loss also affects your social circles. For me, I feel as if I have a hard time relating  to my girlfriends that have babies because I don’t have any living children and we can’t bond over stories of “first steps, first teeth and first words”.  Then there are my  girlfriends that don’t have children. They can’t relate to the loss I feel, they don’t know that type of pain. Sometimes its just hard fitting in. I must say though, if it weren’t for my friends I don’t know how I could have possibly picked myself up and found the strength to get out of bed.

It is true that out of tragedy comes strength. This experience has brought a closeness in my marriage that words can not explain. My husband still cries for our daughter. He still questions why he couldn’t get to hold her or brush her hair. His questions of who she would have looked like will forever go unanswered. But, we go on. And we have faith that one day things will work out and we will have that family I know we both deserve.

The crazy meds have arrived!

It has been a rough few days for me…Work has been tough. Between a patient losing her 6 kids in a house fire, a 40-year-old stroke victim who is now living on a vent brain-dead, and a mom dieng of cancer while her husband sits and holds her hand….it’s just sad. Nursing has so many peaks and valleys between tragedy and miracles, we are definitely in the valley.

We had the IVF class last week or so. I don’t know if I would call in “informative”. I feel like I left with more unanswered questions then I originally went in with. After the class the nurse called Mchubby and I in saying “I need to discuss a couple of things with you, please have  a seat in here”. She put us in a small room with 3 chairs and no window…Doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the only news you’re getting in this room is bad news.  She had the results of the semen analysis, and it wasn’t good.

I guess they look for three things when doing the analysis-overall count, motility, and morphology. Mchubby’s count is very low…the sperm he is producing are barely swimming, and the ones that are swimming, are shaped wrong. Sooooo….we are contending with the chromosomal abnormality, not enough eggs, and the latest development, the sperm issue…All I could think about when the nurse was talking to us was Mchubbys sperm-in a petri dish wearing helmets and swimming in circles AROUND the egg. I am trying to be positive, I really am…but I feel like this is SO much and it’s so hard. Do I really want to psych myself up and be positive when every result we have gotten so far has been “against” us?

On a positive note…We got our insurance to cover all the fertility medications which was incredible. Cost before insurance was $6000.00! Our copay was $185.00!!! So, that was good news. They arrived yesterday in a big brown box via fed ex! There are 8 different medications, EIGHT! Mostly injectables and some oral…my favorite? A ginormous capsule that you stick up your chucky to dissolve! Never thought  I would be anxious about waiting for my period but I really can’t wait to get this process started!

Rotten eggs

So first off I must say that the IVF class we were to attend yesterday did not happen….grrrrrrrr…..We showed up to the doctors office showered and ready to learn learn learn and were greeted by an empty office…

Me: (sitting in the chair swinging my legs up and down because my feet never touch the ground while twisting my hair)Hmmmmmm, babe…where is everyone?

Ken: (half smiling because he was already sure I f’ed this up) I don’t know Bon, you made the appointment

Me: (Probably should have taken the appointment card when the receptionist asked me if I would like her to “write it down”…) Well, maybe everyones still at lunch, it is only 1:00!!!

After sitting for 15 minutes the office staff came back in and had informed us the class was thursday, not tuesday-oops!

Moving right along…

We get home yesterday and tried to get stuff done around the house…phone rings and its the PA from Columbia…She wanted to tell us that our preliminary blood work came back-the results?

“Well, you don’t have as many eggs as we would have liked to see and your levels are a bit low so we will have to adjust your hormone injections accordingly”

Translation-Originally it was just a chromosomal abnormality that we were up against, now its a real fertility issue….

Im so aggrevated. And as much as I hate playing the victim I feel like crying and screaming and yelling “ITS NOT FAIR”….But I am not going to…because it’s going to get me nowhere.

Really, the one that is going to suffer is my husband, because if this works I will be hopped up on hormone injections for the first 5 months…GOOD LUCK KEN! When I was taking crazy pills Clomid to get pregnant the second time,Ken was getting ready for work. When I found out that he wouldn’t have enough time to sit and eat-the entire meal went in the sink…so, me now injecting the crazy juice into my body is NOT going to be good!

AND…aside from the insane mood swings they are beginning to link all of these injections to cancer-cancer that comes on fast without good outcomes…

So bottom line? Im scared. And I’m hating my under-achieving ovaries that don’t have enough egss….bastards…