Somebody turn the lights on!

The other day I took a trip to  Macy’s  to see what they had in the way of baby furniture. No sooner did I park the car I had to run to the bathroom. Recently, the urge to tinkle  comes about every 25-30 minutes. The frustrating part isn’t how many times a day that I am in the bathroom, it’s the quantity of the pee that comes out! Barely enough to even call it a tinkle! The long drawn out, sometimes painful production that I have to go through for 2 teaspoons of urine is just not right. The days of hovering over the toilet are gone. I am so unbalanced that I would fall forward and knock myself unconscious.  Instead I have to first “build a nest” around the toilet seat in order to sit comfortably. Once sitting I have to bend over the belly to get to the toilet paper (you would think I would remember to grab some TP before I was sitting but nope, never remember). This can take a couple of try’s because if I am not fast enough I will lose my breath and have to start over-the amount of reflux that ensues is horrible and lasts ALL. DAY. LONG.

So, I am sitting there on the bowl getting ready to wipe my chuckolina when all of a sudden the lights go off in the bathroom. It’s pitch black in a strange bathroom and I have my pants off over a body of water…I don’t know why but the story of the  snake that crawled out of some ladies toilet in florida popped in my mind and I FREAKED OUT! I start waving my hands and flailing my arms about to make the lights go on but, nothing! And now I have dropped the wad of TP I was going to use to wipe myself with, sonofabitchhhh!!!

I  stand up and search around for the  door latch when a woman walked into the bathroom.  I’m sure she  assumed she was alone because as she walked in the lights went on, and when she saw me swing open the door she screamed. Then I screamed! And then I peed down my leg.  Shhhiiiitttttttt.

Needless to say I didn’t find any baby furniture. When will I learn to just shop online?


One response to “Somebody turn the lights on!

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